


Love is A Bitch

by CaptainSad_af



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heavy Angst, NSFW, Smut, please don't hate me after reading this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-28 02:07:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17173808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainSad_af/pseuds/CaptainSad_af
Summary: You promised yourself you wouldn’t slip- your wounds still fresh. He broke your heart but you were deeply in love with James Buchanan Barnes… you should have known better.





	Love is A Bitch

**Author's Note:**

> This was for a writing challenge on tumblr using "You don’t own me." There is a part two in the works so be patient. Thank you and Feedback is welcomed 💜

Nights like these made your stomach churn. Thinking about him, the one who decided to break your heart and leave you with the pain of never loving anyone the same ever again ruined everything for you. Nights like these you wanted to get drunk, forget about your past that brought a smile to your face and melted his heart every time. Nights like these you wanted to curl up into a ball, crying out your soul as you ignored the world around you. You were his joy and happiness he loved waking up to, believing each day was a new day where he felt like himself again in your presence.  

But he chose to leave.

You would never understand why he did. It left a hole in your chest where your heart used to be, but it’s been replaced with a void that you can’t seem to get out of. Maybe it was the way you were clingy every time he got back from a mission or how you’d ask him if he needed anything when he had a rough day from relapsing, joining the familiar dark he has grown to get comfortable with during his time with HYDRA. You believed you cared too much for his well-being when he pushed you away, trying to gain some independence, but you didn’t want him to be alone. Loneliness only caused your chest to weigh heavy with emotions he never wanted to feel or endure. His thoughts never rested like an everlasting roller-coaster; never giving him the relief he needed. He craved. However, the day he forced you to leave was unbearable. You remember how haunting he looked, how dark his eyes that once held generosity and love were cold and angered when he raised his voice. Pain stabbed you in the heart and mind once you realized why.

He didn’t want to be responsible for your death. So he stopped loving you. That wasn’t what you wanted to hear leaving those soft lips you and your body grew to love.

Bucky didn’t want you.

After a long day of work, slugging around the office like a zombie, you drove through the harsh rain as it thrown itself down with a great force. You were sure it left an indent on the roof of your car as you made it to your apartment garage. Clothes drenched, makeup ruined and your briefcase filled with water made you hating life than you already did as you approached your door, wanting nothing but just to throw yourself in a warm bathtub with a large glass of wine as you mapped out what your purpose in life was.

If you had one.

Fetching for your keys from the pocket of your petticoat, you opened your apartment door, grunting as you set your things to the side and shutting the door behind you. You kicked off your boots and peeled off your coat as you hung it on the coat rack before pausing. Oddly enough, you felt something out of place as you scanned the room, turning on the main lights as it illuminated the living area. Cautiously, you walked into your bedroom making sure to check all the windows and rooms before walking into your bedroom feeling stupid for being on edge.

You couldn’t blame yourself for acting that way, knowing that there were people out there who knew who you were and what you used to mean to a certain brunette super soldier. It was for your own safety to be relocated, a new name, new job, and new life. But you were tied back to your past no matter how far you moved.

Your past was you.

Stripping out of your clothes, you threw everything to the side as you stepped into your bathroom to freshen up but the sound of glass crashing onto the wood floors echoed throughout the apartment. Panic resided in you as you hurried to grab your robe, covering yourself as you gripped your baseball bat you kept in the corner of your room for emergencies.

You needed to protect yourself since no one else would.

“Who’s there?” You shouted in anger, fed up with your shitty day. You strolled out of your room, being more aware of your surroundings. Flicking on the hallway light, you checked each room again, accidentally swinging your bat when your pet cat, Beanie, ran across your feet. Your heart nearly jumped out of your throat leaning against the wall for support. Your heartbeat quickened as your palms began to sweat the more time it took for you to look for any signs of an intruder.

Once you made it back out into the living area, you saw the emerald green vase broken into a million pieces.  You had gotten it while shopping with Wanda and Natasha for your new apartment that was supposed to be shared with your boyfriend. But it never happened.

“What the fuck.” You growled, dropping your bat dragging your feet over to the supply closet and grabbing the broom.

When you turned back around, your breath hitched in your throat, the broom slipping past your fingers as it fell to the hardwood floor. Your eyes widened in surprise. There he stood all in black, soaked from the rain. His unkempt hair stuck to his face as water droplets slid down his pale skin, pooling where he stood.  His demeanor was different, worse than the last time you saw him. The bags under his eyes were deeper as his eyes sunk back into his head. Back slouched and eyes dull. The creases on his forehead doubled and his scruff remained the same. The way he carried himself didn’t look like he had any life in him. Yet, he still looked handsome, besides everything. It angered you how he could remain to look like a god when he mirrored how you looked.

Your chest weighed heavy realizing he’d been going through the same thing as you, but you clenched your jaw and fists, gaining yourself back, not taking in his appearance for remorse.

“Why are you here, James?” The words slipped past your lips harsher than intended, but he needed to know how hurt you were. He cringed, swallowing thickly. It was never a good sign when you called him by his first name.

“I want you back. I made a mistake, Y/N.” He sounded so helpless, guilt evident in his voice as he pleaded with his soft grey-blue eyes. There was a time where you’d turn to putty seeing them, but as of now, you couldn’t keep eye contact.

“You chose to push me away and kick me out of your life, James. Deal with it now.” You said quietly. Tears pricking your eyes yet you refused to let them pour out.

“That’s the thing, though. I can’t deal with it. I made a mistake-”

“A mistake in loving me?” You interrupted but, watching Bucky pause and look at you before continuing.

“When things were getting rough, I couldn’t risk losing you. I didn’t want you waking up one day to realize this isn’t what you wanted. So I made the choice for you. Why can’t you understand why I did it?” He questioned in exhaustion before stepping forward but you placed your hands up, halting him.

“Two fucken years, James. You had two years to have me back, but no. You chose what you thought what was “right” for me without discussing it.” You scoffed “You were afraid to lose me, but guess what. You lost me!” Your voice cracked as it raised. Bucky let out a shaky breath, chest tightening with fear and regret.

“And I’m a big fucken idiot for doing that. I thought I was protecting you when all I was doing is tearing a bond we had together. I’m sorry for hurting you. I can never forgive myself, but please, I need you back.”

You laughed bitterly, “Where were you when I needed you, huh? When I was drowning myself in alcohol to numb the pain you gave me, Bucky?”

He just stood there, studying your face as his mind restricted him from saying anything else. When he told you to leave, he busied himself with missions back to back. It was the only thing distracting his mind. He was doing the right thing.

Or so he thought.

“You know the worst part is… that I still love you. But  **you don’t own me**. I’m not an object where you can set aside and pick right back up when you need it.” You said with a trembling breath. Bucky hung his head shame, the lump in his throat growing along with the pain. Getting tired of crying, you wiped away the angry tears that painted your face before standing your ground.

“You need to leave.”

“Y/N” he whispered.

“I said leave!” You screamed leaping forward and pushing Bucky by the chest. You had so much anger and pain bottled up that you released them with each blow to his torso. Throwing your fists in every direction. Bucky just watched you. Letting you take out your frustrations and rage out on him. He deserved it and much more.

You screamed and screamed, beating at his chest, legs, and arms but being careful not to hit his stunning face. Before your arms began to give up on you, Bucky grabbed your wrists, eyes watering.

“Enough. That’s enough!” He yelled back, still sticking to his tough exterior as you tried to break free from his hold.

“Let go of me! You fucken asshole!” You cried, tears running freely on their own. He wrapped his arms around your form, holding you tightly. His thick arms caging you in as tears fell silently from his eyes as well.

When you wouldn’t stop, Bucky grabbed your face, crashing his lips with yours to shut you up. It was the only thing he could think of. He didn’t want anyone calling the cops, afraid what they’d do to him. He wasn’t used to his freedom yet and he didn’t want anything jeopardizing it, but he dreaded the moment he did, knowing it would enrage you even more.  

You pushed at his chest, kicking your legs so that he’d let go of you but that didn’t make him stop. Butterflies erupted in your stomach as your mind craved for more, your body betraying you. His hold on your hands only tightened as your robe loosened, slipping off your shoulders. You caught it in time, covering yourself but feeling his hands all over you set your skin on fire. At this, you fought some more, however, once his tongue passed your plush lips, you gave in.

_Don’t do this._

You kissed each other hard, all tongue and teeth, not pulling away for air. You should have stopped; been more reasonable and aware of what was going on, but both of you needed this.

Bucky walked you back into your bedroom, sliding his hands down to the back of your soft thighs and hoisted you up. He missed the smoothness and warmth of your skin against his own, like a drug he couldn’t stop taking. Overdosing on the way you looked like a goddess even with the imperfections you seemed so think you had. Bucky worshiped your body regardless of what you thought about it. Reminding you every night what your curves and erotic sounds would to do him.

You yelped in surprised but clung onto him with desire. Stepping through the threshold of your bedroom, you peeled off his clothes as he took off your cotton robe, letting it drop to the ground amongst his clothes. Placing you gently on the ground, Bucky stepped back, admiring how gorgeous you looked with the pale moonlight laying upon your body. He missed all of you.  

When his long, intense stare lasted for more than intended, you wrapped your arms around your chest, feeling somewhat embarrassed and downright stupid. Bucky saw this and quickly took your delicate hands in his as he whispered softly, his eyes darker than the night sky.

“Come here.” You looked up, the windows to your soul sparkling with awe as did Buckys. The pout on your face stayed as he laid you on the bed, kicking off the remaining of his clothes. He climbed on top of you, being careful with his weight before laying in between your parted legs.

“This isn’t right.” You muttered quietly, looking into his eyes. He ignored you, pushing a strand of your damped hair behind your ear.

“Nothing’s ever right.” And with that he leaned in, his rough cracked lips joining yours as he suckled on your bottom lip. Wrapping your arms around his neck, he placed his cock in between your slicked folds as he grinded himself against you.

You whimpered into his mouth and pulled away, gasping; the shot of electricity flowing through you. You couldn’t remember the last time you felt aroused. It was another thing absent from your life as well as Bucky. You didn’t want the feeling to go away; hypnotized by it.

Bucky quickened his pace, burying his face in the crook of your neck as he took in your scent. Sweet yet subtle. He missed being close to you, bodies flushed together.  

“Bucky.” You moaned, biting your lip as your brows furrowed. You could have sworn you were seeing stars but that was just the effect Bucky had on you. Getting so lost in the sensation, you didn’t gather the fact that Bucky aligned his cock with your aching core as pushed it passed your tight hole, stretching you. He filled your eager cunt, groaning at the sensation of being hugged again.  

“I love you.” He whimpered, bottoming out. He couldn’t wait any longer but he controlled himself from thrusting his hips. Bucky allowed you time to adjust to his girth as your eyes begun to flutter close.

“Keep your eyes on me, baby. I wanna watch when you cum for me. Be a good girl and open your eyes.” He panted, eyes stinging. You knew why he wanted you to look at him. He wanted your face filled with ecstasy burned onto his mind, leaving him the perfect image. The pleasure he gave you was more than enough to satisfy him even if he didn’t meet his climax.

“Bucky I-”

“Shhh, I’ve got you.” He breathed huskily, face scrunching up in pleasure as he rolled his hips. You held closer, afraid he’d slip past your fingers again. You two were one again, but who knew if it would last. Forgetting about the wounds he left, you drowned yourself in Bucky. Your soft moans filled the room as Bucky made love to you. He was nothing but gentle, making sure you felt good with every dive of his cock.

He marked your body; red and purples ovals painted on your shoulders, collarbone, and jaw as his scruff rubbed against your hot skin, the sting only driving you for more. You promised yourself you wouldn’t slip if he ever came back to you, but the attraction you two had was unbreakable. Or was it.

“I love you.” He cried softly- his breathing trembling as he felt your cunt tighten around his throbbing cock. You hadn’t realized he’d been crying when you snapped out of your dreamlike state. A tear fell as he looked down at you through his thick dark eyelashes. You cupped his jaw, boring your lust filled eyes into his. Tilting his head to the side, he placed an open-mouthed kiss on your hand, keening to your touch.

Your mouth dropped open, a silent moan escaping -listening to Bucky’s ragged breathing, moans, and  _I love you’s_. He chanted it like a mantra before the familiar tightness in your abdomen invited itself back into you as Bucky’s slicked cock pumped in and out you with need.

“Oh fuck… Cum for me baby. Please… cum for me.” Bucky choked on his moan, resting his forehead against yours. He shut his eyes for a second to pull his mind away from cumming too soon. You swallowed thickly, the saliva from your mouth drying up as you snaked your hand down between your burning bodies and rubbed your clit rapidly feeling your stomach coiling.

You both kept your eyes on each other like it would be the last time before you disappeared from his life again… or well he from yours. Back arching higher than a bridge, you came hard, digging your nails into Bucky’s muscular back as he cried emptying his seed deep inside you. Every nerve in your body screamed as you released, toes curling, muscles twitching and legs going numb. Bucky bit your shoulder as his cock pumped out the last drops of his cum before stilling. Relieved washed over the two of you but something didn’t feel right once you fluttered your eyes open.

A sheen of sweat laid across the both of you, the bright moonlight lining out your bodies in the dark. Your limbs were tangled in the sheets as you carded your fingers through Bucky’s hair, coming down from your high. You allowed time to take you both away, however, as you laid in the black, watching the stars in the distance through your window shine brightly than you ever will, you came to your senses.

“Bucky,” You said after a moment of silence, staring into space as he lifted his head scanning your face.

“Yeah, doll?”

“Don’t leave.” You brought your hesitant eyes back onto his, licking your lips out of nervousness.

“I won’t.”

“Liar.” You rolled your eyes looking away, knowing he’d have to leave for his own good.

“I said I won’t.” He declared with a firm tone, placing his finger under your chin as he lifted your head to look at him. You wished you saw an ounce betraying you but he wasn’t. There was no was telling even if he was. He wore his mask so well, hiding the truth from the false. Your gut said to let him go but your heart said he’s the one.

“I love you, Y/N. I really do.” He chuckled, his features softening- trying to lighten up the awkward atmosphere. He needed you to believe him, seeing your uncertainty.

“I know, Bucky. Let’s go to bed. I’m exhausted.” You smiled but it didn’t quite reach your eyes, pushing some of his rough brown locks away from his face. He nodded, feeling defeated before adjusting himself to where he laid his head on your chest. He knew something was wrong but the thud of your heartbeat relaxed him, bringing him peace as he let go of his doubt.  

As you laid there holding the man who you loved in your arms as he slept tranquility, you couldn’t help but regret what just happened.

Because the next day when you awoke to a cold bed, he was gone.


End file.
